Hello NASA, Richard Branson and anyone else who might be reading this; I’m Jon, and although I might not seem like the ideal candidate to be shot into space for tourism (or scientific) purposes, I’m about to outline why I’d be an invaluable part of any future space crew.

I like monkeys

Based on a small amount of research (Planet of the Apes and space race documentaries) it seems as though space is crawling with monkeys. Chances are these monkeys have become hostile, so someone who shows them a little bit of respect and understanding could be very important.

I have seen pretty much every space movie

Who needs years of training, endless flight simulators and strict psych tests when I’ve already lived vicariously through every possible space disaster. I basically know how to space walk, fix broken antennas, attack enemy ships with lasers and listen to George Clooney’s pointless stories. I’ve learnt how to guide an Apollo rocket back to Earth and I know what it takes to journey into the sun.

I can communicate with people who don’t speak fluent English

If this is a commercial flight then I’m guessing only the extremely rich will be on it, which means they will probably be from Russia, China or Dubai. I’m quite good at hand signals (I taught English in Taiwan for a year) and can usually get my point of view across, even in the toughest of circumstances. These communication skills will also come in handy if we run into any aliens (or genetically enhanced  monkeys).

I am willing to change

This is for the various space programmes/governments of the world. Like my fellow countryman Cliff Curtis, I could probably pass myself off as any number of nationalities. I’m willing to become Chinese, Indian (I’d be playing a mute obviously, I don’t have time to learn their languages) and I could even try and impersonate former ‘N sync star Lance Bass (this one could be harder), who almost got to space a few years ago.

You can drum up support for your project by advertising on my blog

What better way to build awareness for your culturally (or financially) enriching voyage than to advertise on one of the least read and respected travel blogs in current circulation. You could reach about a thousand people a month, and all for free.

I don’t take up much room

To keep the costs down you want the rocket to be as light as possible. I’m no jockey, but I won’t cost you too much and there’ll be plenty of room for scientists, guests and alien hitchhikers. I also pack light and only take carry-on bags, so that should also help.

It’d be irresponsible of me not to also list my weaknesses, so here they are….

I’m not good at science, maths, or small talk with rich clients

If this is a scientific expedition then I may not be of much assistance, and although I’ve seen how to fix warp drives and recalculate orbits and trajectories, I might struggle with all the number crunching these tasks usually require. I don’t really enjoy talking to people on planes, so I might not be the best person to have sitting next to celebrities or influential backers on a commercial flight. I will, however, be able to write posts like “10 Things to do in Space” and “How to do Space on $50 a Day”, which will be great for business.

I might fail the fitness/psych tests

I wouldn’t say I’m crazy or particularly unfit, but if you require superhuman feats of strength (both physical and mental) then you might be disappointed. I also won’t be willing to sacrifice my life so someone else can breathe my depleting oxygen and I won’t be urging the crew to close the airlock door, trapping me inside to burn so that fire won’t spread and kill everyone on board.

Don’t let the negatives put you off, I really would be a useful addition to your space team, assuming there isn’t much science stuff to do and absolutely nothing goes wrong. As the first travel blogger in space, I won’t let the fame go to my head too much either. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone can help make my dream a reality.

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Jon Algie

A travel blogger from New Zealand who hates talking about himself in the third person and has no imagination when it comes to naming websites.

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