The Top 6 Things to Do on Mars (and a bit of a rant)

I know what you’re thinking…how did you get the time to visit Mars, and perhaps more unbelievably, how did you pass the strict physical and psychological tests given to astronauts? I’m going to let you in on a little travel blogging trade secret: I didn’t go to Mars, just like a lot of travel bloggers don’t visit the places they write about. I can understand your confusion. Why would someone write about a place they haven’t been to? What value would that bring to anyone unlucky enough to land on that page?

I recently clicked on an article about the top things to do in Vietnam. Great, I thought; this could be useful as was travelling in Vietnam at the time. Upon reading the post I quickly learned that the author had neither been to Vietnam nor taken the time to research deeper than the four most obvious destinations in the country. That kind of post encapsulates everything that is wrong with travel blogging. This kind of cynical search engine aimed article often ranks ahead of posts by people who have been to these places and actually have something to offer people who are planning their trips. OK, that’s my rant over; I’ll now give you my completely uninformed and useless list of things to do on Mars.

Take off your helmet so that your eyes pop out

If you’re stuck for things to do on Mars why not try and recreate one of the most iconic science fiction movie scenes of all time! This eye-poppingly awesome scene is from the 90s version of Total Recall featuring Arnold Schwartzenegger, not the boring Colin Farrell remake. It’s one of my favourite movies and is a must-watch for anyone interested in Mars.

Try and be more annoying than Matt Damon

I’m kind of on the fence about Matt Damon. His poignant and heartfelt turn in Team America: World Police should have garnered some award recognition, but I’m not convinced about the rest of his work. I seem to be one of the few people who thought he was annoying as Mark Watney (AKA smug science guy) in The Martian.

Battle with crazy cowboys and laser shooting robots

Welcome to Cydonia, Mars, population 143. It’s home to laser shooting robots, mustached kung fu experts in Zorro masks, old west style saloons and rock star holograms. Is this the best music video ever…?

Watch Val Kilmer battle with an insane robot

The premise of this movie seems watertight. Val Kilmer, on Mars, battling with an insane robot that has a taste for killing. What’s not to like about that? Well, I’m not sure how, but they managed to make it (Red Planet) quite boring. Still though, Mars isn’t exactly flush with things to do at the moment so it makes the cut.

Ponder why John Carter flopped so badly

I actually enjoyed the recent (2012) John Carter movie. My theory for why it flopped is that people didn’t know that it was a movie about Mars after seeing the title. It does read more like a sequel to Coach Carter, that inspirational basketball movie starring Samuel L Jackson, which doesn’t sound nearly as entertaining.

Visit the 3 breasted woman

No trip to Mars would be complete without a visit to its most famous resident. You’ll notice that I started and finished this list with things from Total Recall — I can’t stress how good that movie is. Hopefully, if nothing else, this article has inspired you to see it. I couldn’t find a G rated photo of the 3 breasted woman so here are some places I’ve been to that could pass as Mars.

Tatacoa Desert, Colombia

Playa Roja, Peru

Red Beach, Santorini, Greece

Valley of the Moon, Chile

I’m sure this list would have been more useful if I’d actually been to Mars, but if other travel bloggers can write about places they haven’t been then maybe I can too. Stay tuned for future articles about the centre of the world, the Dagobah System and Somalia.

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Jon Algie

A travel blogger from New Zealand who hates talking about himself in the third person and has no imagination when it comes to naming websites.

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